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help me please
by starryeyed07, 17, female

September 4, 2006

Dear Diary, I haven't been around in a while to write, so I haven't written. I missed it tons though. Anyway, I have a lot to talk about. So...most of my friends are in college and none of them start until tomorrow so when they suggested going up to a huge partay school an hour away to visit a friend, I had my doubts but agreed to it. My best friend and I left as soon as my school let out, we both assumed we were heading off to one hell of a kegger (or that's what he said anyway.) So we get there and my other friend calls to say she's coming up to and to wait for her. As usual I get handed a bottle of liquor and begin my slow alcoholic demise. About an hour later, he informs us that the party has moved and he doesn't have their numbers so aka...we can't go. At this point, I'm getting kinda fuzzy headed so I don't find this at all strange. My other friend calls to say she's outside and needs parking so my best friend jumps in the car with her leaving me and (we'll call him Alex) Alex behind. He practically drags me up the stairs and onto the couch. In two seconds flat he's making out with me before I even know what's going on. My friends walk in on the scene and just kinda laugh it off (were all used to these type of drunken encounters) Later on that night (after more alcohol) my friend and I step outside leaving my best friend ( who had locked herself) in the room with Alex. We wander the streets with a bottle of smirnoff in each of our hands. Eventually, we realize we need a smoke so we try to gain entrance to the locked room. Finally, we get in and sit outside on the stairs smoking and drinking while we chat with college boys. My friend says we both go to the same college (actually I'm in high school) as guys ask were we are staying. Anyway, later on we crowd back into the room and my best friend stumbles out to the bathroom while Alex um...does some under the blanket action with me. Anyway, five minutes later my friend asks where (we'll call my best friend Abby) abby is. I tell her the bathroom but she quickly discovers that Abby in her drunkenness has left the apartment and is wandering the streets. My friend tells me to stay put with Alex and uneasily I obey her. I lock the door for him and tell him I think i'm gonna pass out. He tells me to give him head. I keep saying no over and over again. Finally, I'm so outta it that I just do it. I don't even think about it...I'm to sick feeling to say no anymore. Luckily, my friend bangs on the door within five minutes and we both leave the apartment and head out to find a mcdonalds. The streets are littered with drunks and I feel sick to my stomach. Alex meets us halfway down the block and I return to his room and promptly pass out. Then, after two hours of sleep we make the hour and a half long drive back to my school, where I arrive still drunk and half sick. I didn't even think about what I had done. It wasn't until one of my friends (who has never been in that type of situation) told me it was all my fault. My other good friend (who has been in situations like this) said that because I kept saying no he just kinda took advantage of the fact that I was drunk and in a way forced me to do what he wanted. I honestly don't know what to think. My best friend says it happens to all girls and to forget about it. I can't....I said no but still gave in. It was like to him I wasn't even human, just an object to give him pleasure. I felt so low about it on saturday that my friend had to talk me outta cutting myself. It was horrible. I regret that night so much. I mean...had I at least meant something to him it would've been okay...but I didn't mean a thing to him. Nothing at all. He didn't care. Diary Project, please post my entry. Sometimes (I'm not sure why) you don't...but I really need to know if people think it was all my fault or if it was both our faults or what....Thank you.

Comment on this entry

like the others said... dont be too hard on urself... However do not make the mistake of drinkin around idiots again... or jus dont drink at all
crazieme luv it hate it

You should stay in groups more often.. when i party make sure i have someone i can trust watch over me and i can watch over her

of course he took advantage of you and the drink had a large part in this, but you are responsible for your own actions. its not a matter of faults.... theres no need to feel ashamed, move on from it and learn not to drink that much, ecspecially around people your not sure you can trust
no reason to my ramblings

I mean, after a certian amount your just poisoning your body to the point of puking. Please don't feel bad, it was the alcohol making your choices, not you. Forgive yourself and move on. Much love <3

Sweetheart, I think you're being too hard on yourself. Yeah, he definitely took advantage of the situation. In the future know your limits with alcohol so you don't find yourself in such situations. One can have enough to feel good and still make sound judgements.

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