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i'm so l(ucky).
by zoey, 18, female

August 29, 2006

so what am i supposed to feel when that quiet quirky person, i discover, has the intimate ability to connect with others?

jealousy? but i have no right. i do not hold a claim to him.

i am smiling halfheartedly as a girlfriend waxes poetic. obliviously. you're the gem she's found, like i've found. oh the depth of conversation, the connection! while one by one, everything we've done together falls dead.

but why, why. because what am i.

if i'm charmed by what i find unique, if i found the connection remarkable, if i thought of you warmly for days. and if that for you was not quite nothing, not far from ordinary.

remember: that really hot day? "i will watch you scream on this roller coaster", jumping in the parking lot, share a popsicle, let's get lost. Making up stories, starbucks, let me show you how the world will end. "I'm sure you hate me", broken maps, lecherous old men, "nice legs!", go away. The blue ring, a swimming pool, ugly flower, funny hat. "I like your eyebrows", sean connery, count the combovers, mallrats. i'm antisocial, and you're shy. watch bad movies, what do you think of me, don't lie. "He looks like a baked ham", "..and you look silly". "well you look pretty". and i am a giant cliche.

less than angry, more than annoyed. and i know i'm not allowed but i'm feeling sad. it's not your fault, maybe mine? maybe it's nothing. but now, oh god. you have the upper hand.

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