Dear Diary,well i'm starting to hate food. just all the complications with it. not that i HATE it itself. just everything around it. like... i haven't been hungry in three or four days now. i ate a bannana, some dried apercots, a cup of "Raspberry Zingger" tea, and some bread crust for dinner. and i'm fine. i wasn't hungry, but i ate anyway. lunch was a few snap peas, an apple, and a couple of dried apercots as well. oh and some of those small rice cake-ish crackers that are thin and crispy. i had an orange between those two meals and a small cup of yougurt with a 1/2 a slice a bread for breakfast. why am i not hungry? on sunday i went for a run, got back around nine thirty, and just sat there. i wasn't hungry.
and want to know what the sick part about it is? i'm proud of myself for it. i know it's bad and all, but i'm proud that i'm not hungry and not eating as much as normal. i want to drop a few pounds for wrestling anyway. i'm thin anyway i guess, like 114ish, maybe less, but still. i look at greasy fatty foods and cringe. i worry about not making weight, about all the calories and fat and stuff i'm putting into my body.
it's stupid, i know. i mean i'm healthy and thin enough and towards the top of my weight for girls. i have to drop 2 lbs when i go to my first guy's tournament to slip into the 112lb weight bracket.
twinkies, ice cream, even too much dried fruit since five pieces of those apercot things have 90 calories (but none from fat) just kinda make me wonder. wonder how many calories i should be eating, or basically WHAT i should be eating daily. what i should eat if i want to go down to 108lb weight class for girl's wrestling tournaments. and right there, i just tried to remember how many dried fruit things i had. my slice of bread this morning was 140 calories, but i ate only half today and had the other yesterday, so i guess that's like 70 calories, and the yogurt was around 140 as well...
see what i'm doing? it's discusting. suddenly, i'm calorie counting. i've never done this before and i can't understand why i'm doing it now. i could never have an ed, i mean, it's just not me, you know? then again i never thought i'd cut at some point in my life too, but it's hard to remember that point since i was, i guess, doing other things.
anyway, what SHOULD i be eating a day? is it weird that i haven't been hungry? but at least i don't have those stomach pains now. god, that was bad. i used to get these random stomach aches that almost stung in a way. i got my last one on saturday, in the morning. i wasn't feeling hungry then but still eatting i guess more than usual since i was on a minor road trip and i eat when i'm on road trips.
what's wrong with me and food right now?
