Dear Diary,WOW...this is a little like coming home in a way. You see I started visiting this site 2/3 years ago in grade 10, I was often on the web trying to find sites about eating disorders and one day I happened to come across the diary project. Well that year...2003, people found out about my own eating disorder and in therapy I was told that I wasn't allowed to use the internet to view pro-anorexic websites or to use sites like the diary project, which my therapist thought perpeuated my behaviours. I maintained (and still do) that this site is actually a place of comfort where I often went to talk to others struggling with the same thoughts and feelings...however my mom monitored my internet usage STRICTLY and so I simply stopped visiting this site. I graduated from high school this past June and am now into my second month of university. I don't believe that I was ever really "cured" of my eating disorder and even though grade 12 was a pretty controlled year in regards to my destructive behaviours...they were always there, ready and waiting to be pulled out if a moment of stress required such drastic measures. Well...university has been INCREDIBLY stressful thus far and it doesn't suprise, shock or alarm me that I have fallen right back into the habits that have wreaked havoc over my life since grade 7...2000...5/6 years. I'm incredibly homesick, I miss high school terribly, I'm so stressed and feel SO inadequate...and I've lost 6 pounds in the past month...and so the behaviours begin, the cycle and I almost welcome it, it's the only familiar thing I have right now! So here I am at Diary Project again, because as far as my mother is concerned I'm "better" and she cannot control me anymore! I was VERY bitter when I wasn't allowed to visit this site, and though I feel somewhat old, I was 15 when I first visited and now I am 18, I feel relieved that I have this link to the "old life" to fall back on!
TTYL!!
