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by butterfylgirlie, 14, female

October 3, 2005

Dear Diary,

it seems weird talking about this now since it seems like soon this will all be solved, done, and over with (hopefully!) but this seems like a good outlet to release all the tension and let out my feelings... my mom has had a drinking problem for about the past five years. its seriousness has fluctuated up and down, good times being when she only was drunk in the evenings, about twice a week, after having drunk a bottle of wine by herself, and the bad times being when she would drink almost every day, starting quite early in the day, the culprit being hard alcohol. various changes have taken place in me throughout this nightmare: i am able to turn off my sensitivity when listening to my mom because there hav been so many nights when she's screaming at me that i'm a spoiled brat and she never loved me and i dont appreciate her and i'll pay and blablablaaa.... cursing at me... at first wat she said really hurt me. A LOT. i loved my mom very much and looked up to her for advice, help... everything. i would run to my room and bawl myself to sleep. eventually, i realized that she didnt mean it and it was only because of the alcohol in her system. i learned how to numb myself from anything she said. i put on a calm face, and block out watever she says. then she would scream at me for not caring... either way, i had developed a defense system. throughout her career as an acoholic, there have been various "turning points". points when, the next morning and the booze had worn off, she would tell me how much she loved me and how things were going to change and she was so sorry and would never do anything to hurt dad, my brother,, or me again... the first few times i believed her, but was constantly disapointed. the time we went out together, just the two of us, and my dad had to come pick us up because she wa sunfit to drive home, the time we were at a benefit for my dad's company, and he had to basically hold her up off the ground in fron of all his clients, the time she got a DUI while my little brother was in the car.... all these times she said things would change... and we all willingly believed, but she lied. of course she did not hurt us intentionally but it took time to realize that she had a disease and it was rash to think she could solve this by herself, even if the had all her family anf friends as a support system. listing every incident, would take forever, and would initiate tears streaming down my cheek, which i do not feel like doing right now, so i will continue in overview. this went on and on for about five years, as i said before, until finally my dad put his foot down and said enough. he scheduled an intervention.... mom got furious and continued to drink heavily. after a relly bad night wen the cops had to come to our house to stop her from hitting my dad and me... my little brother and my dad and me stayed at a hotel and then a friends house for two nights... my mom cooled down and realized she did need healp.. ill spare you th rest oof the deatils... but anyways now she's in detox and will be in rehab for about a month.... we thing and hope that this will eb the end of her problem and this will help her get over this challenge in our life

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