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by starfire*~, 18, female

December 22, 2002

I can't tell right now if I'm worse or if I'm better than I have been. I honestly don't know. I'm no longer thinking about dying all the time, which is good. But it's as if there's this huge drain on my emotions, like I'm not feeling anything at all any more. I used to pretend to be some sort of ice maiden, to make people think I was I'm just frozen into some giant ice cube and I have no idea how the h.ll to melt it.
I've practically stopped feeling pain, too, which is a bad, bad thing. It's taking so much more than it used to take to break everything down to that simple physical pain...or even to feel what I'm doing to myself. It kind of scares me. It was good to be able to turn myself off...but not that much, not to the point where it's physical as well as mental.
I was sitting there the other day, too, and thinking about something....the character in the movie I was watching was depressed, I think, which made me think about it...thought about cutting and realized just how clear I could picture it, almost to the feel of the blade in my hand and the set of my mouth and the deep stinging pain, realized that it had been a long time since I could picture anything that clear. Kind of scary, too.
I don't dream much of anything anymore, either.
Maybe I really am just getting more screwed up. Right now, though, I feel less intensely miserable than I did for a long time. Just rather numb instead. I can't decide which is better.

Comment on this entry

I think music, painting and sport can help you. If you aren't comfort to talk to anyone.You have very much energy in yourself that you never drain it, so you feel like this. Try to play hard music or sport, use the large pen and..paint it crazy, turn PUNKROCK music and dance madly

ditto....hang in there....use some of that positive energy on yourself, for once, instead of on me (because you know i dont listen to you anyways) :) be strong...hugz...

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