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i love you
by Anna, 16, female

December 14, 2002

Dear Diary,
We got back to my house at around six, or half past. We had spent the day with our other friend -----, and the growing sexual tension between us caused us to awkwardly maneuver into my bedroom while kissing and trying not to trip over sketch books, scripts and empty jolt cans; evidence of my scrambling to finish set and lighting design for the show I was working on the night before. We fell back on my bed, kissing franticly for a while and then just lying in each other’s arms and breathing. I had decided that I was ready to commit to him, finally, about a week before but I wanted to tell him in person, not over the phone. I had been in love with him for months, but for some reason I was scared to give into him; I didn’t see what I could give him. I had been depressed, but I felt that I had worked through my issues and I was ready to give him the little that I had. I looked down at him, his face was buried in my breasts and he was making happy grunting sounds when he exhaled, he looked so content and helpless. I took a breath and prepared my self to say the three words, which, in sequence, are the three most dreaded words in the English language.
“John Doe?” I stammered.
“Anna?” he said, removing his face for between my breasts.
“John Doe, I...”
“Shhhh”, he said mockingly, in his James Bond voice, ”don’t speak.” he didn’t let me finish, he didn’t know what I was going to say. He grabbed my wrists, pined them behind my head, and covered my mouth with his. He roamed to my neck and began his ritual of rough kissing and biting.
“I want you”, he whispered. And that is when I lost my nerve, and things started to wrong. I started to wonder if he wanted to make love to me, or just get laid. I should have just stopped there and not made my next mistake.
It was hot that day, and John Doe asked if he could use my shower. While he was doing that I headed for the kitchen and made myself a margarita. When he came back, my insecurities and reached dangerous intensities, and was being fed by tequila and lime. I put on a movie and we started messing around on the couch, gentle touching that reaffirmed the bond that was so strong between us. As soon as the movie was over, we started taking about a beautiful girl, who was a friend of his, and just for the sake of insecurities, I started talking about an attractive guy whom I was taking a film class with. I saw him bristle. He then started to push the sex idea, and god knows I wanted to, but we didn’t have a condom, so that was out of the picture. My dad got home a half hour later, and we got in his truck to take John Doe home. All the way to ---- ------, I nibbled his ear, and rubbed the side of his leg gently. When I got home I felt like a total failure, not only had I not told him that I loved him, but I had made him feel bad to boot.
I called him the next morning to apologize for being insecure and insensitive and to tell him that I was in love with him and ready to comet. He picked up:
“John Doe, it’s Anna. Listen I’m really sorry about last night, I shouldn’t have behaved that way.”
“Yea, I’m sorry to. I know you’ll never date me; I just take what I can get. I’ve always wanted you, and that’s why I’m still around”. That’s when I hung up and burst into tears. Now that I think about it, he probably thought that I had called to apologize for touching him, not for being a #####, but for some reason what he said hurt. I felt that I had been rejected, but how could he know that I had planned to end that conversation by saying yes to the question he’d been asking for months. He hasn’t spoken to me since I hung up that day, I tried everything to reach him, but he was done. I heard that he’s dating a beautiful, talented and wonderful girl called ----; I wish them the best of luck.
John Doe, thank you. Thank you for every word you spoke to me. Thank you for every thought you sent me. Thank you for all the time you spent with me. Thank you for every touch and kiss you gave me. Thank you for being in my life. You were my first love, and now you don’t know me, but it was worth the pain for the few short months I had with you. I love you.

Comment on this entry
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you're #####ing 16 years old and you made yourself a margarita? yeah right.
vbhnfg

wow!this is a beautiful story.stay strong
Tammy


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