starfire*~, 18, female
December 13, 2002
I got in a several-hour-long fight with my extremely recent ex the other night, and while I can't ever say this stuff to him, it needs to be said. And maybe it will help someone else. So...
you probably don't realize it, but last night you both offended me and hurt me pretty badly.
When you said I never told you anything, that everything you knew about me was because you'd heard me tell someone else, I reminded you that you know more about me than my best friend here, or even than my best friends from home. And you replied, "What, that one thing?" Like it wasn't a big deal.
Yes, that one thing. That entire, completely hidden, side of my personality. That other girl who lives behind my face, who hides behind my smile. Maybe I didn't let her out enough for you to understand just how much bigger than the rest of me she is, but you never really asked. I don't think you wanted to know.
That one thing. Maybe you don't realize it, but this is something I have to deal with every day. Every single day. I can never go swimming in public again, I can never wear shorts again. I have to go through the rest of my life, even if I do stop cutting, knowing that every time I get angry or lonely or upset or stressed or worried or depressed, there's an easy out. It's like being an alcoholic - I can never be "cured."
It's not like it's something easily hidden. You see my skin, you see this. But even once you knew - once I had told you - only once in all the times you saw so much of my skin, only once in all the times you ran your hands across it and told me I was beautiful, only once did you ever notice anything. Once! Don't tell me I didn't tell you anything when you weren't paying enough attention to notice things I shouldn't have had to tell.
I know you've had - that you still do have - depression. I would've thought that would make you understand me a little better. But I guess not, because everything is my fault. I warned you about me, but you must not have been listening.
"That one thing," the one that you say took two minutes to tell you, the one that you render so insignificant, colors every instant of my life.
Next time, pay a little more attention to the one you're with. If you want to know about her, ASK. Don't just assume it's easy for her to tell you. And don't minimize her problems.
You're never going to see this, but I had to say it anyway. That you did not know me is not entirely my fault.
Comment on this entry
Many people get inot relationships that end badly. I think you should find another guy who will understand you and respect you more.
i'm glad he's gone, if he was hurting you this much...i guess i didnt even see how much his ignorance hurt. feel better and think of the guys we made up in our heads :)...
Some guys never understand- but trying approaching him with this in a reasonable way, and don't be afraid to let him know that if he wants to "know" the real you, he needs to make an effort.
That was beautifully written. I´m sure if he would be able to read this entry he would understand you in a much deeper level.