February 7, 2002


oh, oh, oh! no those aren't orgasmic moans...my lyfe is the shyts right now...my e.d. is taking over my life. what i'm eating, what i'm not eating, filling up my water bottle, sneaking around...ugh! but i have CONTROL of it. ((nothing matters when i'm thin...like a plant, we can train the body to exist on nothing and take nourishment from the air...nothing tastes as good as being thin feels...to be appreciated you have to be tall and thin, but if not tall, then at least under 100 lbs...hunger hurst but starving works...food is an enemy, the only real deprivation is never being thin...) omg, i'm obsessed. last nite i totally broke down to my boyfriend david. i cried on his chest and he just held me there, his breathing was steady and his strong arms held me close. i just wanted to listen to his healthy heart and never move out of that moment. david said that he'd love me no matter how much i weighed, but i wanna be perfect--perfect for my boyfriend, my friends, me. thin=perfection......................i cried after david left my house last nite. i cried myself to sleep b/c he wasn't with me, and i don't have any money, and one of my friends is #####ed at me, and most of all b/c i'm a big FAT 93 lbs. i just don't know...........i know i need help in my life. i want to keep thinking that david will always protect me from everything, and that "all i need is love." lets face it, love ain't gonna put food on the table(maybe a few buns in the oven, lol) thanks for emailing me, the borderline anorexic guy. savestheday, how come u didn't comment on my last entry??? u always do...its a tradition...lol...well i'm outta here...........