Dear Diary,I Have Been Off of drugs for about 7 months and every day is a struggled for me.Each day i complete without getting high i feel proud and accomplished but when your fighting with a powerful monster the idea of you going back to that dark path always crosses your mind.I do think about getting high everyday but when the monster is calling me and i want to say yes i just think about my baby girl. You see, Three months into my addiction i was rapped in a local party by the guy i thought i could trust.I dont really remmember how it all happened but i do know that we all smoked crack.I dont know if he did it because he was high or if he meant to do it all along.I always tought i loved him but the abuse was to much to take. When i found out i was pregnant i dint know how to tell him, i knew he would deny it but even thought i had no real proof that it was his, i do remmeber the moment when i saw his face on top off me and for a split second i knew what was happening,As my instict kicked in to try and escape the monster took over and put me into deep sleep.So deep that i woke up the next morning at my house. We did not talk about that night, i tried to avoid that subject.It to k me a few days to remmber the flashback and when i did i knew something was wrong. I was scared that i tried to avoid him and he did not like that.He would stalk me home and always followed me at school.When i told him to stop talking to me he freacked out.I ran away.A couple of days later i saw him outside of school after my football practice.I knew he was high. He ran to me and he grabbed me by the arm and threw me into his truck. He rapped me again.This time i was not high. I kicked and screamed and tried to get away.It eventually worked i ran home. When i missed my period, i knew something was wong. I went to my ocal clinic and i ested postive for pregnacy. When i got home i told my mom everthing and althought i know it broke her heart i felt like we were closer han ever. The next month was full of debate if i shoulf become a mother at age 15 or give it up for adoption. TH=he decision was not an eay one to make. But when i heard her heartbeat for the first time, i knew what i needed to do.When it came to delivering day I ws questioing my Decision.Holding my little baby girl in my arms made me want to hold her and keep her,but i knew deep down that at age 15 and still fighting to stay sober i was not ready to be a good mother. I knew i couldn provide for my little baby but i couldnt think that as soon as i walked out of the hospital she was not going to be mine.So here i am A year later and the decision still haunts me. My baby will be turning a year in a month. I still cannot believe that tme has passed so fast. I have not seen my baby in two months. And the feeling of seeing my baby and holdig her is so overwhelming. Im really thankfull that my babys adopted parents will let me see her,but i do not see her very often I just think that sometimes they are embaressed that their adopted child was born to a drug addict teenager. I know that that is the truth and that wi forver be my tittle.But i know that i was the one who gave myself that name. And i know that i will forever be haunted by the monster, and i know that it will not give up calling me and hopefully when it does i am strong enought to say no.But i do not regreat my decisions because out of this horrible period of my life came out a miracle so perfect and so precious that i will forever be thankful for it. I do hope that my story will help other people get help for this horrible addiction,because no matter how defeted you feel from the monster there is always a way ot.
